“I’m seriously flipping out right now”

At seven o’clock this morning Mrs. Novels woke me from a dead sleep, a shout from the bathroom as she got ready for work.

“Can you come take a look at this?” she asked.

Half asleep — not in frog pajamas — I rolled my ass out of the sack. The bathroom’s just a few steps from the master bedroom, so I didn’t have the chance to wipe the nuggets from my eyes yet.

“Look at that,” she said, pointing to the counter top. I thought it might be a spider or some other multi-legged creature that’d wandered into the house.

I bent down for a closer look. No contacts, one-quarter asleep by now. “It looks like a plus sign,” I said as I stood straight again and smiled.

I looked at her.

No smile. Instead, the look she had was much closer to abject terror.

I hugged her.

She trembled.

“I have to go sit down,” she said and walked away. She flumped herself into a nearby comfy chair.

It sounds worse than it was. Really. In fact, I couldn’t stop laughing. Not bad for an old guy with under performing hormones, I thought. As she sat there in the chair, her hand shook as she tried to put on mascara.

“I’m seriously flipping out right now,” she said.

“Why? This is a good thing.”

“I know it’s a good thing. It’s a very good thing. But—”

“But, what?”

“Every time I’ve taken one of those things, all I’ve ever seen is a minus. Now it’s a plus and I don’t know what it means.”

“It means you’re the Mommy.”

“Oh, God.” A few breaths — of what could’ve easily turned to hyperventilation — escaped. “Remember my dream?”

I should back up a little here. A few weeks before her friend Jay’s planned Vegas wedding weekend, Mrs. Novels dreamed that his intended left him at the altar. They got married on May 10th. The new bride moved out their house by May 13th. Catching up, Mrs. Novels had another dream a few nights later that hit a little closer to home.

“What? The one about the kitten?” I asked. She’d dreamed she gave birth to a kitten. The kitten ran away.

“Yeah. I dreamed about Jay’s wedding and that mostly came true. Now this.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna have a kitten. But if you do, we’ll be famous for the rest of our lives. Medical researchers will pay big money, Diane Sawyer will come knocking, there’ll be a Lifetime movie.” I paused. “We’ll go on The Tonight Show!”

At last. A crooked smile emerged.

So, there you have it. Seems I’ve gone and gotten my wife pregnant.

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